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100 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate
- Insist that you are a
vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats
meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the
floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach
everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks
about the wrappers say you know nothing about them.
- Get some hair. Disperse it
around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep.
Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your
roommate every morning.
- Every time your
roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're
back!" as loud as you can and dance around the
room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at
your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going
somewhere?"
- Trash the room when your
roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your
roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and
act surprised. Say, "Uh oh, it looks like, THEY,
were here again."
- Every time you see your
roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick
him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice
cream.
- Set your roommate's bed on
fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching
too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it
again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because
this time, they deserved it.
- Put your glasses on
before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are
Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having
terrible nightmares.
- Eat lots of "Lucky
Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate
inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you
can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the
consequences.
- Set up meetings with
your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and
then give your roommate a full report. Insist that
he/she do the same.
- Drink a raw egg for
breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in
training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
- Every Thursday, pack up
everything you own and tell your roommate you're
going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no
one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
- Every time you wake up, start
yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am
I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes.
Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you
don't know what he/she is talking about.
- Draw a tiny, black spot
on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and
say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
- Buy a McDonald's "Happy
Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the
napkin. Throw everything else away.
- Buy a plant. Sleep with
it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to
argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live
in the same room with you," storm out of the
room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but
keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
- Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every
day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream
continuously for twenty minutes.
- Hang up pictures of
chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats
eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
- Buy some knives. Sharpen them
every night. While you're doing so, look at your
roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
- Lock the door while
your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and
tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm
naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you
finally let your roommate in, immediately take off
all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
- Bring in potential
"new" roommates from around campus. Give
them tours of the room and the building. Have them
ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and
reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much
longer."
- If your roommate comes
home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a
rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering,
"Ungrateful little..."
- Pile dirty dishes in your
roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they
got there.
- Collect hundreds of
pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one
pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the
pencil.
- Feign a serious illness for two
weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you.
Write out a will, leaving everything to your
roommate. One day, miraculously "recover."
Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving
everything to you. Every time he/she coughs,
excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
- Live in the hallway for
a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back
into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay,
your turn."
- Keep a tarantula in a jar for
three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your
roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."
- Tell your roommate,
"I've got an important message for you."
Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you
can't remember what the message was. Later on, say,
"Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint
again. Keep this up for several weeks.
- Bowl inside the room. Set up
tournaments with other people in the building. Award
someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
- Walk backwards all the
time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an
injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start
walking backwards again.
- While your roommate is out,
glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate
walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
- Explain to your
roommate that you're going to be housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day,
bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the
pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its
feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of
bacon.
- Make a sandwich. Don't eat it,
leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait
until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say,
"Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?"
Complain loudly that you are hungry.
- Punch a hole in the
T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the
poor picture quality.
- Wear a cape. Stand in front of
an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one
day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie
down underneath
the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your
roommate to return. The next day, start standing in
front of the window again.
- Collect potatoes. Paint
faces on them and give them names. Name one after
your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from
the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your
roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your
roommate, "He just didn't belong."
- Fill an empty shaving cream can
with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray
some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you
feel sick. Continue this rocess for several weeks.
- Cover your bed with a
tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate
asks, explain that "It's a jungle out
there." Get your roommate to bring you food and
water.
- Keep a vacuum cleaner in the
middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few
days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the
door only a crack and whispering to your roommate,
"Psst! Is it gone?"
- Break the window with a
rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you
were hot. Open and close the broken window as you
normally would.
- Throw darts at a bare wall. All
of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that
you hit the bull's eye.
- Send flowers to your
roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It
won't happen again." When you see them, start
ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few
weeks.
- Call your roommate
"Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every
so often. Increase the frequency over the next few
weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde"
all the time. If your roommate protests, say,
"I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore,
Murray."
- Hire a night watchman
to guard the room while you are sleeping.
- Move everything to one side of
the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an
elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty
side of the room with concern.
- Practice needlepoint
every night. At one point, grab your thumb and
scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry
hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed.
Sob and sniff all night.
- When your roommate comes in,
pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily
and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say,
"That was your mom. She said she'd call
back."
- Every time your
roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights
and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly
yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
- Start wearing a crown, all the
time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say,
"What the hell do you think you are? A
king?"
- Sit in front of a chess
board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then,
look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot
faster with two players."
- Talk back to your "Rice
Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw
the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it
up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them
suffer."
- Change the locks on the
door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says
the secret word. Change the secret word often. If
your roommate can't guess the secret word, make
him/her pay a tithe.
- Scatter stuffed animals around
the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music.
When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take
off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and
say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
- Hang a tire swing from
the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides
your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey
and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's
idea. When you and your roommate are alone again,
continue acting like a monkey.
- Unplug everything in the room
except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it
gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out
the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
- Challenge your roommate
to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by
forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room.
Insist that he remove all of his possessions
immediately.
- Sign your roommate up for
various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor,
organ donor).
- Start dressing like an
Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are
getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If
your roommate accuses you of not having any
Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended
your people and put a curse on your roommate.
- Wear your shoes on the wrong
feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your
feet hurt.
- Hit your roommate on
the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to
kill a mosquito.
- Steal something valuable of
your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell
him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give
some beans to your roommate.
- Instead of turning off
the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer.
Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about
the cost of light bulbs.
- Videotape yourself hammering a
nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play
the tape in your room. Right before the hammering
stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say,
"Don't do that."
- Buy a lamp. Tell your
roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it.
Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the
end of the week, report that someone has released the
genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
- Whenever your roommate brushes
his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write
a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If
your roommate protests, say, "The people have a
right to know!"
- Collect potato chips
that you think look like famous people. Find one that
looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain,
"It had to be done."
- Read the phone book out loud
and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837
9494! Holy cow!")
- Shadow box several
times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If
your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your
shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury.
Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
- When you walk into the room,
look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh,
you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
- Put up flyers around
the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
- Buy a watermelon. Draw a face
on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the
watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate
says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it
look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your
roommate at the funeral.
- Draw a chalk outline on
the floor. When your roommate comes in, say,
"Don't worry. It's not what you think." If
he/she asks about it again, immediately change the
subject.
- Drink a cup of coffee every
morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for
about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate,
immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the
room.
- Paint a tunnel on the
wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your
head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your
head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."
- Leave memos on your roommate's
bed that say things like, "I know what you
did," and "Don't think you can fool
me." Sign them in blood.
- Hold a raffle, offering
your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests,
tell him/her that it's all for charity.
- Make cue cards for your
roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a
conversation.
- Talk like a pirate, all
the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the
plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck.
Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
- Set up about twenty plants in
an organized formation. When your roommate walks in,
pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to
the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue
this later," while eyeing your roommate
suspiciously.
- Buy a telescope. Sit on
your bed and look across the room at your roommate
through the telescope. When you're not using the
telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for
you to see.
- Keep some worms in a shoebox.
When doing homework, go and consult with the worms
every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the
worms that they're stupid and they don't know what
they're talking about.
- Watch
"Psycho" every day for a month. Then act
excited every time your roommate goes to take a
shower.
- Wear a paper hat. Every time
your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to
McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just
you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
- Go through your
roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things
and making random corrections. If your roommate
protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it
anymore.
- Leave the room at random, knock
on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you
back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent
about the importance of good manners.
- Hang a horseshoe above
the door. Make up stories about having had good luck.
Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in
bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the
door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head,
and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
- Carve a jack-o-lantern.
Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has
been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate
that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been
staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you
really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't
convince it to move out.
- As soon as your
roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing
famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate
turns on the light, look around and pretend to be
confused.
- Hang a basketball net on the
wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball
games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so
for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you
think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
- Drink lots of lemonade.
Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love
lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From
then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
- Late at night, start
conversations that begin with, "Remember the
good old days, when we used to..." and make up
stories involving you and your roommate.
- Whenever your roommate
sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and
hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
- Sit and stare at your roommate
for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts,
throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy,
these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
- Tell your roommate that
your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an
earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash
everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she
returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only
one side of the room.
- Buy a gun. Clean it every day.
One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse
to discuss the gun ever again.
- Buy a lobster. Pretend
to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that
the lobster is making up his own rules.
- Make pancakes every morning,
but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them
in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day.
Complain to your roommate that your "pancake
farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient
community. Confide in your roommate that you think
the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
- While you are ironing,
pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in
the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your
roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to
get even.
- Buy some turtles. Paint numbers
on their backs. Race them down the hall.
- Create an army of
animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set
up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your
roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a
restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your
roommate to apologize to the camel.
- Put out a plate of cookies at
night. Tell your roommate that they're for the
Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while
your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse
your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If
he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist
that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look
like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's
teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the
room.
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