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53 Horror Movie Survival Tips
- If the house you're living in tells you to
"GO AWAY", do so immediately.
- Never take a bath or shower with a
maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.
- When it appears that you have killed the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if
he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it
is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you.
If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and
remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep
shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and
shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it
up, this works with everything except demons and
spirits. Then get the hell out of there!
- If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home
begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to
leave.
- Never read aloud from a book that summons
demons. Even as a joke.
- Don't look under the bed.
- Do not search the basement, especially if the
power has just gone out.
- If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your
children, save as many as you can and then get the
hell out of the area.
- If relatives or pets come back from the dead,
don't approach them and ask "What did you come
back to do?"
- If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or
furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.
- If you've hidden from the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found,
do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your
hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the
ground for twigs before you take a step.
- Never believe that your companion has truly become
"dispossessed."
- It is very, very dangerous to back into, or
through rooms.
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other
language which they do not know, or if they speak to
you using a voice which is other than their own,
shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of
grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take
several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be
prepared.)
- When you have the benefit of numbers, never,
ever, pair off, or go in alone. The more people the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the
better "your" chance of escape.
- Never get into a car without first checking the back
seat for occupants.
- If demons begin possessing your companions,
it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as
quickly as possible.
- If your companions start turning up dead, make
yourself scarce before someone else does it for you.
Worry about funerals later.
- If you've just finished running over the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going.
Most certainly do not get out of the car under any
circumstances to see if he/she/it is
"really" dead.
- As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that
open portals to Hell.
- Don't fall asleep if you have a history of
homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
- Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a
grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.
- Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or
near a window, especially those that appear that they
would break easily.
- If you find something that appears to be alive that
you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it,
with anything.
- If you're searching for something which
caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat,
leave the room immediately or else you will quickly
die.
- If someone is in the water and starts screaming and
is pulled under, Don't go after them or peek over the
edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If
you are in a boat, head for shore.
- If appliances start operating by themselves,
you are in danger.
- Do not accept/take anything from the dead.
- If priests won't or can't enter your home,
start looking for a new home.
- If you discover the place you are visiting is known
for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak
accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.
- If you wake up from a particularly horrific
dream and find yourself still alive, you probably
aren't awake yet.
- If you find a town which looks deserted, it is
probably deserted for a damn good reason. Take the
hint and stay away.
- Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and
the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing
and leave.
- If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave
the area immediately.
- Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a
suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles
Santa Claus or Satan.
- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless
you're really sure you know what you are doing.
- Make sure that your weapon is really loaded
before you try to use it.
- If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from
what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check
it out.
- Never put your back to or lean on a door.
- Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted
house.
- Never speak to clowns in sewers.
- Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you
suspect that they are really supernatural beings.
- If you're running from the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or
fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do
not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good
chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If
you turn and look back, and you don't see the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and
run immediately back the way you came because the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of you.
- If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling,
glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance
to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of
gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages,
etc., get as far away from them as possible.
- Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on
what is going on around you. Use all resources
available, especially the audience, for on the
average, they are much, much more intelligent than
you could ever hope to be.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some
of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street,
Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if
you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the
Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
- Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
- Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those
which keep 'Redrum' in stock.
- Finally, beware of strangers bearing tools of
destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns,
chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines,
lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws,
crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles,
gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium
Q-36 explosive space modulators.
- If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal
words of Robert Ruark, african game hunter, "USE
ENOUGH GUN."
- If entering your craft you put your hand in a
kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that
was not there before, turn and run immediately.
- If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in
ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it
alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite
(or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if
it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing
on earth.
- If you are alone in a house and something
calls your name, leave the house immediately through
whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there
is no exit, make one.
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