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Rita Rudners 50 Facts About Men
- Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger
is involved.
- Men who have pierces ears are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought
jewelry.
- If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video
camera, for the fisrt few weeks he has it, lock the
door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my
husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
- Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the
arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the
nice of "bald".
- Marrying a divorced man is ecologically
responsible. In a world where there are more women
than men, it prays to recycle.
- Men are very confident people. My husband is so
confident that when he watches sport on television,
he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his
team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the
players from our living room, and if they're really
in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they
call him.
- If it's attention you want, don't get
involved with a man during play-off season.
- Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them
feel important.
- Men love to be the first to read the
newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is
upsetting to their psyches.
- All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
- The way a man looks at himself in the mirror
will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
- Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public.
They can learn in private; in public they have to
know.
- Men who are going bald often wear baseball
caps.
- All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with
one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
- A good place to meet a man is at the dry
cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
- Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband
has one that is a combination address book, telescope
and piano.
- All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our
relationship." These seven words strike fear in
the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
- Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man
has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he
will take it personally.
- Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not
brave enough to get a bikini wax.
- All men think they're nice guys. Some of them
are not. Contact me for a list of names.
- Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
- Men have an easier time buying bathing suits.
Women have two types: depressing and more depressing.
Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
- Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your
heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next
to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
- Women take clothing much more seriously than
men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say
"Oh, my God, I'm embarrassed; get me out of
here. There's another man wearing a black
tuxedo."
- Most men hate to shop. That's why the men department
is usually on the first floor of a department store,
two inches from the door.
- If a man prepares dinner for you and the
salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is
serious.
- If you're dating a man who you think might be
"Mr. Right" if he a) got older, b) got a
new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for
a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
works on cocoons and butterflies.
- Men own basketball teams. Every year
cheerleader's outfits get tighter and briefer, and
player's shorts get baggier and longer.
- No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant
is on record saying he wishes he could be Cary Grant.
- When four or more men get together, they talk
about sports.
- When four or more women get together, they talk about
men.
- Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer
belly.
- Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever
seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
- Most women are introspective: "Am I in
love? Am I emotionally and creatively
fulfilled?". Most men are outrospective:
"Did my team win? How's my car?"
- If a man says, "I'll call you," and he
doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't loose your
number...he didn't lie. HE just didn't want to call
you.
- Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at
tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex
again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each
other."
- Men who can eat anything they want and not gain
weight should to it out of sight of women.
- Getting rid of a man without hurting his
masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and
"I never want to see you again" might sound
like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I
suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry
you...I want to have your children." Sometimes
they leave skid marks.
- Men accept compliments much better than women do.
Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:
"Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth,
you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the
lightning."
- Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call
the Home Shopping Network.
- Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
- Only men who have worn a ski suit understand
how complicated it is for a woman to go to the
bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
- Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as
women do because their clothes all button and zip in
the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in
the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but
we also need men to help us get dressed.
- Men are self-confident because they grow up
identifying with superheros. Women have bad
self-images because they grow up identifying with
Barbie.
- Whe a woman tries on clothing from her closet that
feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight.
When a man tries something from his closet that feels
tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
- Male menopause is a lot more fun than female
menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and
get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date
young girls and drive motorcycles.
- Men forget everything; women remember everything.
- That's why men need instant replays in
sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
- Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less
like monotony.
- All men would still really like to own a
train set. [ Wanna buy a train set? Go Lypold!
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