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101 Ways To Be Annoying
- Sing the Batman theme
incessantly.
- In the memo field of all your
checks, write "for sensual massage."
- Specify that your
drive-through order is "to go."
- Learn Morse code, and have
conversations with friends in public consisting
entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
- If you have a glass
eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.
- Amuse yourself for endless
hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then
pointing it at the screen.
- Speak only in a
"robot" voice.
- Push all the flat Lego pieces
together tightly.
- Start each meal by
conspicuously licking all your food, and announce
that this is so no one will "swipe your
grub."
- Leave the copy machine set to
reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- Stomp on little plastic
ketchup packets.
- Sniffle incessantly.
- Leave your turn signal
on for fifty miles.
- Name your dog "Dog."
- Insist on keeping your
car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up."
- Reply to everything someone
says with "that's what YOU think."
- Claim that you must
always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your
"astronaut training."
- Declare your apartment an
independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs
for "violating your airspace."
- Forget the punchline to
a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
"real hoot."
- Follow a few paces behind
someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of
Lysol.
- Practice making fax and
modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant
information in scientific papers and "cc:"
them to your boss.
- Make beeping noises
when a large person backs up.
- Invent nonsense computer jargon
in conversations, and see if people play along to
avoid the appearance of ignorance.
- Erect an elaborate
network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a "spider person."
- Finish all your sentences with
the words "in accordance with prophesy."
- Wear a special hip
holster for your remote control.
- Do not add any inflection to
the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences
with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.
- Signal that a
conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears.
- Disassemble your pen and
"accidentally" flip the ink cartridge
across the room.
- Give a play-by-play
account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cosell voice.
- Holler random numbers while
someone is counting.
- Adjust the tint on your
TV so that all the people are green, and insist to
others that you "like it that way."
- Drum on every available
surface.
- Staple papers in the
middle of the page.
- Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
- Produce a rental video
consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips
into people's backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in
inaccessible places.
- Write the surprise ending to a
novel on its first page.
- Set alarms for random
times.
- Order a side of pork rinds with
your filet mignon.
- Instead of Gallo, serve
Night Train next Thanksgiving.
- Publicly investigate just how
slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to
strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored
Hunter's Orange.
- Change channels five
minutes before the end of every show.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating
to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental
movies.
- Wear your pants
backwards.
- Decline to be seated at a
restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints
by the cash register.
- Begin all your
sentences with "ooh la la!"
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- only type in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of
orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with
pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all
your clothes.
- Repeat everything someone says,
as a question.
- Write "X - BURIED
TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's
roadmaps.
- Inform everyone you meet of
your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson
conspiracy theories.
- Repeat the following
conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's
gone now."
- Light road flares on a birthday
cake.
- Wander around a
restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian
currency.
- Demand that everyone
address you as "Conquistador."
- At the laundromat, use one
dryer for each of your socks.
- When Christmas
caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman
smells" until physically restrained.
- Wear a cape that says
"Magnificent One."
- As much as possible,
skip rather than walk.
- Stand over someone's shoulder,
mumbling, as they read.
- Pretend your computer's
mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
- Try playing the William Tell
Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When
nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it
up," and repeat.
- Drive half a block.
- Inform others that they exist
only in your imagination.
- Ask people what gender
they are.
- Lick the filling out of all the
Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
- Cultivate a Norwegian
accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
- Routinely handcuff yourself to
furniture, informing the curious that you don't want
to fall off "in case the big one comes."
- Deliberately hum songs
that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such
as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies'
"Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
- While making presentations,
occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about
trivial things such as the time of day.
- Leave your Christmas lights up
and lit until September.
- Change your name to
"John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of
being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian
name, and demand that people pronounce each
"a."
- Sit in your front yard pointing
a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow
down.
- Chew on pens that
you've borrowed.
- Wear a LOT of cologne.
- Listen to 33rpm records
at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental
processing."
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with
scissors.
- At a golf tournament, chant
"swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
- Ask the waitress for an
extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
- Go to a poetry recital and ask
why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers
mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about
"psychological profiles."
- Stare at static on the TV and
claim you can see a "magic picture."
- Select the same song on
the jukebox fifty times.
- Never make eye contact.
- Never break eye
contact.
- Construct elaborate "crop
circles" in your front lawn.
- Construct your own
pretend "tricorder," and "scan"
people with it, announcing the results.
- Make appointments for the 31st
of September.
- Invite lots of people
to other people's parties.
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