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40 Reasons To Never Leave The House
- Too much sun will give
you skin cancer.
- Going out would require wearing
shoes, clothes, etc.
- An icicle might fall on
your head. Those things have been known to kill, you
know.
- You have to stay home and
answer the phone. What if you get a call from one of
those radio contests, or something?
- You heard that there's
a rabid kangaroo loose in the neighborhood.
- One of those UFO's might land
and you could get kidnapped by little green men who
would perform horrible experiments on you, eventually
turning you into a half-man/half-duck.
- It's too windy. You
might lose your hat.
- You might run into your old
roommate who's angry with you for havin played all
those tricks on him.
- There's Injuns in them
woods.
- You might walk into a church
where there's a wedding going on, and you're hardly
dressed for the occassion.
- If you go past the
library, the librarian might recognize you and
inquire about the thirteen overdue books that were
destroyed in the fire.
- If you go past the library, the
librarian might recognize you and inquire about the
thirteen overdue books that weren't destroyed in the
fire.
- There might be a flood,
and you just ate, and you're supposed to wait an hour
after eating before you go swimming.
- You might come across a big,
scary, ferocious-looking dog.
- You might come across a
big, scary, ferocious-looking squirrel.
- There are kids outside playing
baseball, and you wouldn't want to get beaned by a
foul ball.
- Women/men find you
irresistible and you don't have a stick to fight them
off with.
- You can't go out in public
since your twin brother/sister was seen on
"America's Most Wanted."
- You can't go out in
public since your twin brother/sister was seen
on "American Gladiators."
- There's a hole in the ozone
layer letting dangerous ultra-violet light through it
and there's a greenhouse effect and, oh, never mind.
It's too cold to go out.
- You've watched too many
"Road-runner" cartoons and now you're
worried that a big rock might fall on your head,
forcing you to walk around like a human-accordion for
a few minutes.
- You can't go out. It's time to
bake the donuts.
- One of the pipes in
your basement is leaking and you have to keep your
finger on it so that you won't waste water.
- You've handcuffed yourself to
the refrigerator. It happens.
- There's a full moon
tonight and you can't go out because you might turn
into a werewolf.
- If you go cow-tipping, you
might forget the difference between
"pushing" and "pulling" and the
cow might fall on you and crush you. If this happens,
the cows will have you at their mercy and who knows
how they'll take their revenge.
- You built a pillow-fort
in the living room and you have to stay home and
guard it.
- If you leave the house, Mr.
Potato Head gets lonely.
- You might walk into a
hospital, get tired, lay down somewhere to take a
nap, and wake up with a baboon-liver.
- You might accidentally step in
wet cement, in which case for hundreds of years,
people will be looking at your footprint, saying,
"What idiot did this?"
- You might sneeze, and
it might happen to sound exactly like the mating call
of the giraffe, and their might be a giraffe in the
area, and then...
- An engine might fall off an
airplane and land directly in front of you. Just as
you're saying to yourself, "Gee, that was
close," you might get hit by a bus.
- You don't have an
American Express card and you're not supposed to
leave home without it.
- You might find yourself at an
airport and just, for curiosity's sake, stick your
head inside the door of the airplane and just barely
get it out before the door closes, but your tie might
get caught in the door, causing you to be dragged up
into the air and halfway across the country, choking
and gagging the whole way, until the tie finally rips
in half and you plunge 50,000 feet, eventually
crashing through the roof of a barn and landing
softly in a pile of hay, but then the farmer might
sue you for property damages, and since you don't
have that kind of money, you'll have to work on his
farm as an indentured servant for the next twelve
years. Well, it might happen.
- You might get a really
bad haircut and have to start wearing hats, all the
time. Then you might get a nick-name like "Hat
Guy" or "Crazy Hat Lady."
- You might go to the park to
feed breadcrumbs to the pigeons, but then when you
run out of breadcrumbs the pigeons might start a
riot, pecking out the eyes of innocent park-goers
until you bring them more bread.
- You might lose a
contact lens and blindly stumble around trying to
find it. Then you might mistake a penny for your
contact lens and put it in your eye. Then you'll
wonder why everything looks like Abe Lincoln.
- You might buy a newspaper and
find that your obituary is in it. Since this is
obviously a mistake, you'll have to spend the rest of
the day there, telling every person who buys a paper
that you're not dead.
- You might get on an
elevator with a pregnant woman, and the elevator
might get stuck, and then the woman might go into
labor, and you don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no
babies, and frankly, the woman might not give a damn.
- You can't leave the house
because you would spend the day worrying whether or
not you left the iron on.
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